


colors bleed together

by haipollai



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe
Genre: Different realities crossing, Doubles, Gen, Lonely in a crowd, Multi, Trapped in another reality, Two James Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 06:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Well this is awkward," Tony says.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>"You're telling me," he grumbles and takes Steve's hand, helping him up to his feet. "So this isn't Kansas anymore."</i></p><p>  <i>"Not your Kansas anyway," the other him says. He's smirking but James knows himself. Masks don't hold up very well in a mirror.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	colors bleed together

There are voices and he has a headache. James keeps his eyes closed to try and assess the situation. There was a flash of light and the feeling of someone standing on his chest and then he came to on what feels like concrete. That voice sounds like Steve and there's the sound of Tony's voice modulator. It's all familiar but he still has to remind himself sometimes that it's safe. He opens his eyes and Steve is right there, kneeling beside him. Something was off but then he had been in a lab last he remembered, so he can accept some oddness. He doesn't think anything of it, just pushes up to hold onto Steve, kissing him hard. He knows their rules, kissing during missions is bad but he hopes whatever just happened makes right now exempt from that rule.

For a second, Steve kisses back and then his hands are between them, pushing him carefully back.

His eyes are wide and shocked and James feels something heavy settle in his stomach. He takes a look around now and he's suddenly face to face with himself, who looks about as baffled by the situation as he is. James realizes he must have seen him out of the corner of his eye before but ignored him at the sight of Steve. Damnit, that's dangerous.

"Well this is awkward," Tony says.

"You're telling me," he grumbles and takes Steve's hand, helping him up to his feet. "So this isn't Kansas anymore."

"Not your Kansas anyway," the other him says. He's smirking but James knows himself. Masks don't hold up very well in a mirror. "So what do we call you?"

"James. Sergeant James Barnes."

"Not Bucky?" Steve asks and he sounds almost sad by that, as if a James Barnes not being Bucky is unthinkable. Or maybe he's lived something like that too recently for comfort.

James doesn't look at him, he can't, he's too familiar. "Only Steve calls me that. My Steve." He has to create boundaries. He has to get home. His left hand fists and he's grateful he doesn't have an actual ring to fidget with to give away his panic. "I need to go home."

"And we'll get you there," Steve says. Always strong, always the leader. James figures he's grateful for that. He squeezes James' shoulder and it's all James can do not to shrug the hand off. "I promise."

-

James avoids this team as much as he can. It's too strange. It's almost his team but not and he can't get over the 'not'. There's people missing and people who aren't on the team back home. So after they run their tests, and get all the information they can. He was exhausted during the first day, The doctors said it was from whatever dumped him in this reality and it passed as they said it would. Not as if he has anywhere to go, except around the Tower. The library immediately becomes his favorite place, away from everyone else. Quiet. He'd rather go hole up in a museum or the park but he can't leave, just in case some discovery is made. He's still not surprised when the other James - Bucky, he calls him Bucky - finds him there. 

"Didn't expect you to be here."

James smiles tightly and shrugs. "This doesn't exist in my world, it's nice to be somewhere that doesn't just have memories attached."

"Stark doesn't have a library?" He pulls up another chair and sits next to him.

James is borrowing his clothes and he's suddenly aware of that and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Not like this. More books. Think it's Steve's fault. Can't say I blame him, preferring the feel of paper."

Bucky snorts and runs a hand over his eyes. "This is really weird you know."

James stares down at his hands, and very lightly touches the engraving on his left hand, following it around his finger. He likes the feel of the etchings on his skin. On the inside is Cap's star. He presses his thumb to it, hard enough that when he pulls his hand away, the impression is left on the pad. "I know," he murmurs. "I'm the one out of place." Bucky nods and James doesn't miss that he has a hard time looking at him. "You haven't been back that long, have you?"

Bucky eyes him suspiciously. That hurts, to be mistrusted by another him but it makes a certain amount of sense. James didn't trust himself for a long time. "What?"

"From Russia." He looks at Bucky's metal arm, making it clear there is no denying he was used by the Russians as well. "How long?"

"About a year." James nods knowingly, remembers himself when it was all still fresh. When everything was tainted by the Winter Soldier despite Steve and Natasha's best efforts. It explains more about the man sitting across from him. The shadow that never quite leaves his eyes. "What about you?"

"Almost four now." James manages what he hopes is an encouraging smile. "It does get better, swear. Steve helped a lot. Natasha too"

"Yea, you and Steve," Bucky says stiffly. They're finally there, the reason they're talking now after avoiding each other for the past few days. "You're…really close in your reality."

James tries to keep his expression neutral though he doesn't know why he tries. A glance at Bucky shows he knows exactly what James is feeling. "We're married. Got lucky, woke up in a world where we could. Heard about you and Natasha though, good for you."

"You're not going to convince me of Steve's virtues?" Bucky seems almost surprised by that, almost as if he wants that.

"No. Unless you really want to hear about how good it is to have Steve pin you down to the bed and fuck you after a nightmare, which I don't think is your thing."

Bucky turns bright red and the conversation grounds to a halt. James stares back out the window, trying to hide the little bit of joy at throwing off the other man. A small feeling of vindication, proof they're not exactly the same. He lets out a sigh of relief when he hears Bucky get up and leave, leaving him there with his thoughts and the city that isn't quite his

-

They watch James as he beats up a punching bag, anger radiating off of him. He can feel their eyes. Bucky and Clint and Steve. Steve's eyes are the most intense and he has to swallow hard, remind himself that despite appearances that's not his Steve. He's not going to pin James to the mat, not going to let James use him as a punching bag, losing themselves in the dance of the fight. This Steve doesn't touch his Bucky like that.

He notices Clint approach out of the corner of his eye and stills the bag. "Can I help you?"

"What happened to your back?"

He snorts, trust Clint to always be Clint. Brash and rude and inconsiderate of appropriate. "You mean the Russians treated him better?" He glances up at Bucky just in time to see his face freeze and he realizes too late. "You've never shown them?"

"I don't like to talk about it," Bucky says stiffly. Except everyone's looking at him now, noting the tank top Bucky is wearing and it's James' fault.

"Sorry." James forgot he had more time than Bucky to come to terms with the manipulation and torture they both went through with the Russians. "Well," he looks down at his hands and starts to unwind the tape. "The Russians knew they couldn't make a public example of the Winter Soldier. Still had to punish him when he fucked up." He shrugs, barely even feeling the pull of the healed over welts anymore. His eyes meet Bucky's. Reluctantly Bucky nods, admitting it's the same story for him.

"Yours looks worse," he says, almost defensively, trying to salvage something out of the conversation.

"Had a rerun in with them recently. Sent me off to Siberia. Must not have happened here."

"No, it hasn't."

"Lucky duck." He reaches for his towel and wipes the sweat off his forehead. "Going to shower." It was suddenly too crowded in the gym for his taste. He can feel Steve and Clint watching him as he leaves, fixed on his back. He remembers when he was found and Steve's look of horror at his back, at the abuse done to him in Siberia all to try and reclaim the Winter Soldier. James can't make himself look at Steve, just in case it's that look again. He hates that look.

-

Natasha is the next to find him. He's not trying to hide this time, but he's ended up alone in the kitchen and somehow it seemed inevitable they would talk.

"He needs your help."

James takes a long swallow of his coffee and tops it off before sitting down. It's been almost two weeks. During most of that time Natasha has been gone on some mission no one trusts him enough to talk about. He's fairly sure that Hill is still convinced he's a Skrull. Some days he wonders if maybe his head is just being fucked with again. He realizes Natasha is still waiting for some reaction. "Who?"

"James. Our James."

"That's your 'this isn't a discussion' tone," he sighs, not in the mood to be polite. With each day that passes, his hope fades a little bit more that he'll get to go home. His bed is too big and too cold here.

Her eyes narrow, obviously in as little mood to joke as he is. "He's still struggling with his time as the Winter Soldier, but you-"

"But me, what?" He slams his fist down on the counter. To her credit she doesn't jump, but her brows knit and he can see the flash of tension. "I'm not his fucking savior. It took me years to get to where I am. And I-" He cuts himself off. Too close. Too personal. This world isn't home, these people aren't the ones he knows. He remembers waking up and their looks after he kissed their Steve. They don't understand.

"And?" She prompts anyway. "I don't care about your sob story. I want you to help him, however you can."

"Have you thought that maybe I shouldn't? That maybe he needs to work through it on his own?" He glares at her and he can see she hasn't. Her eyes fix on his hand, still fisted on the counter. There are cracks on the granite but James figures that Tony can afford to fix it. He forces the hand to unfist and curl gently around the coffee mug. Thankfully the metal doesn't shake.

"I'm sorry," she says in Russian. She sinks into the seat beside him, resting her chin in her hands. "I look at you and see what he could be, it's hard not to hope for that."

James swirls the coffee around in the cup. "We're not the same man," he answers in Russian. The language feels a bit heavy on his tongue, he doesn't use it much anymore but it all comes back quickly. "Despite appearances."

"No, you date Steve."

He holds up the metal hand, fingers splayed. "Married."

"You must miss him."

He glances at her out of the corner of his eye and for the first time he feels like someone is looking at him and not their own Bucky. He manages a shaky smile, just for her. In some way, he's not surprised she would be the first to look at him like that. "With everything that I am." She takes his hand, holds it tightly so he can feel the pressure through all the fancy sensors in it.

There are no promises that they'll get him home. No reassurances that it will all be okay. Natasha is too realistic for that and James is strangely comforted by that.

-

He tried to avoid Steve at first, but everyone seemed to expect them to want to spend time together. For the most part, Steve doesn't seem to want to spend much time around him either so they're stuck in an awkward dance. Until one night when Steve just comes to him and asks him out for a drink. James is so startled that he says yes before he even thinks about it. As soon as he starts thinking about it, he knows it's a bad idea. The worst idea.

When he meets with Steve by the elevator, he can see that Steve is second guessing this as well.

James wants to kiss him again. He knows that if he kisses his forehead he can make those stress lines go away and there's a spot below Steve's jaw that's ticklish, that will make him smile. He quickly looks away, cutting off that train of thought. Before it can devolve into wondering if this Steve has the same sensitive spots as his Steve. If he likes it-

No.

He's not the James Barnes who belongs here and this isn't his Steve. They walk in awkward silence for awhile before Steve suddenly laughs.

James looks at him in confusion, too caught up in his own thoughts and fairly sure he's missed whatever the joke is.

"This is silly." Steve sinks onto a bench, looking up at him with a sad smile. "I'm sorry. This is…I don't know what I'm doing."

"Yea, because I always get dumped into alternate realities and know exactly how to handle all this shit." He kicks at a plastic bottle on the ground. Simply talking about it brings back his frustration.

Steve catches his arm and gently pulls him down to sit beside him. "Tell me what's different."

"What?"

"Between our realities. Tell me something that's different."

James looks down where Steve is still holding his wrist and he swallows hard. "Besides the obvious?"

"Sorry." He jerks his hand away as if he's been burned. 

The silence is awkward again, it makes James feel like his skin is crawling. They're in the middle of the city and yet James can feel the silence between them. "You can't get drunk, right?"

"Yes but…"

James stands before he can finish his thought, using the grip Steve still has on him to drag him to his feet. "Good, because I think I need to and you can be Mr. Responsible and take care of me." A voice in his head is yelling at him that this is the worst idea yet, getting drunk with a Steve who doesn't love him. Or if he does, is pretty repressed about it. At least if they fuck, he's technically not cheating. But the thought sickens him and he stops, all the will gone. "Steve…"

Steve reacts immediately, pulling him against his chest and holding him, not saying a word as James loses it. Steve's hands are big and warm and for a few moments he's back home and he's looking up, pressing his lips to Steve's without thinking. And Steve kisses back. He holds James against him and kissing almost desperately. But he doesn't know how to kiss him, it's like kissing a complete stranger.

James pushes him back. They're both breathing hard and James is struggling to get his head on straight. This isn't his Steve. Looks don't matter, this man doesn't know him.

"I'm so sorry," Steve says quickly, stepping back and suddenly James feels so cold. "I shouldn't have. I wasn't thinking, are you…is it…"

"Shut up."

"Bucky-"

" _Shut up!_ " He shakes his head hard and he can't even look at him. "I'm not your Bucky!" People are giving them weird looks, he can feel it even if he can't see it.

"James," he starts again. "Tony and Bruce have a whole damn team working on trying to get you home. I'm sorry it's taking so long." James laughs and rubs hard at his eyes. He's tired of everything being so similar and so different. "You must miss him a lot."

"I'm not giving you fucking dating advice so don't even ask," James says, trying to stay harsh and detached. 

Steve's eyes get kind of wide and anxious. "I wasn't…" He sighs. "Drink or home?"

James doesn't tell him it's not home. His home is a big open apartment in Brooklyn where Steve's paint splattered the wall in the living room and their uniforms get mixed up on the bedroom floor. And in the Tower, they share a floor and Carol sometimes shows up at their window to harass them in the morning. His Steve must be worried sick, not know what the hell happened to him. "Drink," James says. "Just one or two though. Don't let me get more." He doesn't trust himself around this Steve.

"Deal."

-

James stretches out in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He's sprawled out, taking up as much space as possible to feel a little less alone. It's early morning, there's barely any light coming through the windows but he can see the sky beginning to lighten. It's been over two weeks now, day fifteen. They're still working hard on finding a way home but with every day that passes, he loses a little more hope. He wonders how much hope he has left in him. It doesn't feel like much, even getting out of bed feels difficult right then.

So far each day he's managed to get out of bed, work out, eat something. Anything just to get up and move. Except this morning he can't. He lies there and he just can't make his limbs move.

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Dim the windows, would you?" The windows darken, almost too black. James lets out a small sigh, closing his eyes again, hoping to get a little more sleep. He's not sure how much time passes before Jarvis asks if he's still awake. "'M here," he mumbles. He feels dazed so he knows he slept for a little bit. He feels almost like he's floating.

"Mr. Stark says he needs you immediately in his lab."

James blinks slowly, it doesn't seem to sink in for a minute but then he's stumbling to his feet, scrambling for pants, not caring if he's still in the same shirt he wore to bed. Getting to Tony's lab feels like it takes forever. Everyone's there when he finally reaches it. Clint cheers when he sees. "The man of the hour."

"Does it work?" James asks, barely noticing Clint dragging him into their huddle. Bruce and Tony share a look and James thinks he might strangle them both. "Please."

"We have an audio connection. Somehow, a door has to be open on both sides and we're just waiting for you to coordinate it," Bruce explains. "We don't know if we can do this twice."

"You still have the audio connection open?" James asks. Bruce passes over a microphone without a word. "Hank? Tony?"

There's a long minute of just waiting and then a burst of static and finally. "Buck?" He can hear cheering from behind Steve. He's smiling and it feels like he can breathe again. They're there, he's going home.

"Hey Steve," he whispers, his voice catching.

"Oh god, I've missed you Bucky."

"As cute as this reunion is," Tony's voice cuts off Steve. "Let's get you back home, alright? Hand over the microphone."

Natasha touches his arm as the Tony on this side took the microphone from him and they were babbling jargon back and forth at each other. "Do you have everything?"

James' hand moves up to the dog tags he wears under his shirt, tracing the edges of the metal. "Yes, I have everything." An area of wall is cleared off and James hears them counting down, then something shimmers and it's almost like looking in a mirror. Steve looks haggard, like he might fall over any second, but his jaw is set. Always the good Captain. James wonders if anyone else can even tell how close to the edge is. "Is it safe?" He needs to be across, he needs to touch. All the hope he thought was gone makes his chest ache now. 

"Think so."

"Thank you." He turns quickly and hugs the Steve on this side. "Thank you," he whispers. There's nothing to say to anyone else. They have their own James Barnes. He walks up to the door and Steve mirrors him from the other side. For a split second they just stare and then Steve reaches throw and yanks him across. He gasps, it feels like he's being pulled through a solid walls with a million hands trying to keep him back. Then he's stumbling through and into Steve's arms. Steve's hands are on his face, tracing his cheeks and to his jaw.

"Oh my god, just kiss him already," Sam groans.

"Should I be insulted that you asked for Hank and Tony first?" Steve murmurs, ignoring everyone else. His fingers have made their way to James' neck, curling in the chain of the dog tags.

"I wanted to get back ASAP." He kisses Steve's jaw, feeling the scratch of stubble. "I love you but they're the scientists."

"Hey! Lovebirds!" Tony yells and someone takes hold of both of them and pulls them further away from the wall. "Thank you, Sam." James looks at the wall and realizes the door is still open, they were standing too close to risk closing it. His eyes meet the other Steve's and he presses closer to his Steve, tightening his arms around him. Bucky is looking at them, he's confused, still hurting. James mouths 'help him' at Steve and hopes that Steve understands. His Steve gives a sharp salute and then the shimmer fades and there's just a wall. Steve's arm stays around his waist and James leans into him. Everyone else is coming over, welcoming him back and he knows he's answering them but he's not really sure what he's saying. Somehow it ends up just him and Steve and Steve is guiding him away from Tony's lab.

"Please tell me we're going to our room," he mumbles, smiling at the feel of that on his tongue. This feels like his first day in that other reality.

"We're going to our room," Steve kisses his temple. "Are you okay?"

"Just an effect of the transport thing. Tired." He waves one hand around vaguely, trying to dismiss Steve's worry, but Steve catches it and kisses his finger tips, trailing down to his palm. "I was terrified. I wouldn't ever see you again."

"Me too." Steve physically lifts him up, ignoring James' weak protest and carries him to their room. James smiles, looking around and seeing all the pieces of their life. There are pictures and Steve's sketchbook with one of James' handguns set on top. Steve drops him on the bed and with experienced hands, got him out of his clothes. He stays in his own though, even as he curls up behind Bucky, holding him against him. "What time is it?"

"About noon. Sleep, the time doesn't matter." His arm is heavy around James, solid and warm. James smiles, for the first time feeling truly relaxed and safe. He reaches for Steve's hand, entwining their fingers, feeling the press of Steve's ring against his hand. "I love you." He kisses the sensitive spot behind James' ear and down to his neck and if James didn't already feel like he was falling asleep, he'd turn into Steve and retaliate. Finding all the places that Steve liked to be touched, relearning everything about Steve he had already memorized. Except his eyes are already closing. He thinks of that other Steve, left on the other side of the door, all alone. James hopes he finds someone.

"I love you," he whispers back. "No good without you."

Steve kisses his temple and whispers go to sleep against his skin and James finally gives in and does so.

**Author's Note:**

> For Lanyon, always for Lanyon (actually this one might legitimately be her fault). And betaed by surlelac.  
> Has a sort of sequel now [we're nowhere hearts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/640964)


End file.
